Four months ago, I thought I was having a heart attack.

My journey of chronic pain, health uncertainty, and self-discovery.

Sylvia Plath, “I Thought That I Could Not be Hurt”

This week, I began chipping away at The Anxious Achiever by Morra Aarons-Mele, a book my mom gifted me a few months back about leveraging anxiety as a superpower for leadership and productivity.

As I was reading, the following passage stopped me in my tracks:

Jason Miller had always driven himself very hard - the first in his family to go to college, an excellent student, a senior executive at a global company – until he ended up in the emergency room at the age of forty, convinced he was having a heart attack.

I gripped the pages of my book, struck by the way Jason Miller’s story mirrored my own experience.

Four months ago, I lay in my bed unable to move. I felt paralyzed by chest pain, radiating down my left arm. I called my sister, convinced I was having a heart attack, but willed myself to sleep, shaking off the feeling. I’d been having this deep pain in the left side of my body for weeks now, but insisted on pushing through my 9-5 job, 6:00 am workouts, and social activities. I was probably fine, I kept telling myself. And I didn’t have time to not be fine…

Until – bam. It was 10:00 am at work and there came that sharp pain beating through my chest and into my left arm. I pulled myself into an office breakroom and started sobbing, thinking again, I must be having a heart attack. Or maybe the other night I had one, and this feeling is just “post-heart attack ramifications”? That, in retrospect, doesn’t make sense. But pain brings fear and fear forces the brain to try and make sense of perceived threats. My coworker insisted I see a doctor right then. After rushing to receive an EKG and a full body exam, my doctor asked me, “Do you have a boyfriend?”. I was a little thrown off by this question, because what the hell does that have to do with the HEART ATTACK I’M HAVING RIGHT NOW. But I answered with mild impatience, “No… well, I’m about to… if.. I live through this, but what does this have to do with -–” he jutted in: “Good, well, you can tell him you have a perfect heart. Your EKG looks near perfect.”

No heart attack. None at all. In fact, my doctor reasoned that the cause of all my pain boiled down to one thing and one thing only: stress. So he prescribed me medication and suggested I do a Soul Cycle class.

I was honestly offended. Did he really think STRESS was causing this debilitating, sharp, horrible pain, tremors, fatigue, light flashes and numbness across my whole entire body right now?

I said to him, “Um. Are you sure I don’t have a herniated disc?? Or a bulging disc? Or something else? I’m also feeling pain in my thoracic spine. And I lost feeling in my face last night. And look at my hands, they’re BLUE! Could it be something’s wrong with my lungs, or –”

And here’s where I pause the story and return to Aarons-Mele’s book:

[Miller] was losing sleep and was constantly stressed, but still Miller tried to ignore his discomfort and power through. “I just thought, ‘I’m tense. So what?” … After a full workup a neurosurgeon told him the tingling in his arm was due to a stress-induced back condition and a pinched nerve but there were no signs he’d suffered a heart attack. Then the neurosurgeon told Miller that if he didn’t get his stress under control, he was going to die young. This was the first time that Miller realized someone could literally die from uncontrolled stress and anxiety. He’s wound up in the emergency room, fearing for his life as his wife and son looked on, because in effect his body had dialed 911.

In the case of my story, I struggle and refuse to accept that the pain I felt in this moment (and that has since taken the form of chronic pain across various parts of my body) was fully and completely “stress-induced.” But I do think stress played a big part in my eventual “snap”.

For months, my body was screaming, forcing me to acknowledge that something was profoundly wrong. I had been ignoring the misalignment between my life and my well-being, and now I had no other choice but to pause (literally, because my body made it near impossible for me to leave my bed for a week straight without wincing. Thank you to my roommate for helping me pull my shirts over my head and put on my socks for me during this time <33).

My body called 911. Instead of an ambulance, it was me who needed to answer its call.

From Chronic Pain to Self-Discovery

Driven by fear, then by curiosity, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. I immediately quit my job, immersed myself in mind-body resources, changed therapists, minimized alcohol and eliminated gluten, and started physical therapy. I learned to accept that for now, I wasn’t okay, and while uncomfortable, that was okay.

This journey hasn’t been easy, but facing my fears and challenging my coping mechanisms has been incredibly rewarding.

Here’s the crucial point: even after months of tests, scans, medicines and lifestyle changes, I still don’t have a definitive diagnosis. I discovered two new autoimmune disorders, but the trigger for my symptoms remains unclear. Was it solely stress, or did my predisposition with autoimmune issues make me more vulnerable? This uncertainty is a constant presence.

Writing this is an act of vulnerability. I fear claiming to have answers, only to have my understanding overturned by new information. But I’ve decided to share my journey, uncertainty and all.

Me and my heating pad = <3

Here’s what I know: I have autoimmune disorders AND I was living in a state of chronic stress. My body, already vulnerable, reached its breaking point.

But amidst the doctor runs and health discovery process, I’ve also discovered a lot about myself. You could call these silver linings, but I firmly believe that my body’s 911 call that day was a call to change a lot of aspects of my life - not just a physical ailment causing me pain.

A few things I’ve learned in the process:

1. Rest is essential: I don’t need to push myself to extremes to be healthy. (i.e. I used to believe intense, daily workouts were necessary, but after five months of no exercise, I realize how much my body benefited from the break. In fact, I now understand that pushing myself daily might have been counterproductive.)

2. Radical acceptance is not resignation: Acknowledging my reality allows me to move forward, not give up.

3. Community is vital: Connecting with others who understand or share a similar experience is transformative.

4. The mind-body connection is real: Tune into next week’s post for more on this…

5. Google doesn’t have the answers: I’ve probably wasted several, several hours Googling worst scenarios, symptoms, treatments, etc. What’s helped me 10x more is getting off my screen, opening a good book, making a cup of tea, stepping into nature, or meeting a friend for dinner.

6. Follow your passions: Pursuing passions can lead to a greater sense of fulfillment and happiness, as you're actively engaged in something you enjoy and find meaningful. If you can step into your passions with your career, your job becomes a natural stress reliever. I believe I can find this.

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses

your understanding. - Kahil Giran, “On Pain”

My pain is not just a physical manifestation of stress or auto immune issues; it’s a catalyst for mental change and the pursuit of a meaningful life. Just as Gibran suggests, my pain has become a teacher, guiding me towards a more profound understanding of myself and my body and my passions. It has broken down old patterns and beliefs, creating space for growth and healing.

This journey is ongoing. I’m learning to navigate uncertainty, listen to my body, and find my voice through creative expression. I'm using this time to get closer to my passions, and to find peace within myself. I’m using this time to get closer to my family, my loved ones and build community with others in similar situations. I'm learning to turn this journey into my superpower.

My experience, though painful and confusing, has forced me to break through the shell of my previous assumptions about health, stress, and self-care.

While the path forward is truly a day by day process, I am grateful for the lessons learned and the new understanding that has emerged from breaking my shell.

If this post resonated with you… subscribe and keep reading for more on my journey & my hopes to help you through your own. Are any of the below topics most interesting to you? Let me know in the comments!

• The mind-body connection

• Navigating health uncertainty and doctors who don’t take you seriously

• Learning and practicing “radical acceptance”

• Self-discovery - pursuing work that gives you purpose

As always, thank you so so so much for being here!!

<3 Delaney