we should be doubting our self-doubts

the quiet ways we sabotage ourselves

Hi over-thinkers <3

Let’s start here:

Illustration by me.

Do any of these phrases sound familiar?

If yes, then it might help to know - it’s not some all-knowing authority whispering those things.

It’s you. It’s me. It’s us. The voice of self-doubt isn’t some external truth-teller. It’s an internal narrator built slowly over time - shaped by rejection, early relationships, failure, shame. And sometimes, we internalize those voices so well, we forget they aren’t factual.

In many ways, self-doubt is a form of self-protection. It convinces us to self-sabotage before we ever begin. To step off the starting line before we’re seen tripping over it. To call it quits before someone else does it for us.

But here's the truth I’m coming to believe: that voice is wrong about you. It’s been wrong about me, too.

The Voice Was Never Yours Alone

Psychologists have long studied self-doubt as a psychological residue – often leftover from toxic or high-stakes relationships. According to attachment theory, the way we were cared for (or not) in adolescence sets up an internal model for how safe we feel taking risks later on. If you were ever made to feel like you were too much, or not enough, or conditionally loved - your brain filed that away under: “what happens when I show my true self.”

For me, that voice took root in early romantic relationships that were supposed to feel safe but didn’t. I was cheated on, lied to, ghosted. I started to wonder: if someone I loved could treat me like this, what does that say about me?

Turns out, this is incredibly common. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that negative romantic experiences - especially in early adulthood – directly impact our self-esteem and shape internalized beliefs about what we’re “allowed” to want or pursue. Especially for women, being made to feel second-best or “too much” in romantic relationships can seed the belief that our instincts can't be trusted. That we can’t be trusted.

And so we start to reject ourselves before anyone else gets the chance.

Even the Greatest Doubt Themselves

Olympic gold medalist Simone Biles – arguably the best gymnast in the world – recently shared the mantra that grounds her when self-doubt creeps in. When the pressure gets too loud, she returns to something her mother told her growing up:

“Be the best Simone you can be, each and every day.”

Not perfect. Not the best in the world. Just the best you.
That’s it. That’s the goal.

Even someone like Biles – who has accomplished the unimaginable – still hears the voice of doubt. But she reminds us that self-trust isn't about never being afraid. It's about staying connected to your own internal compass anyway.

“The world doesn’t need you to be perfect,” she told a graduating class this spring. “It needs you to be bold.”

I think boldness often begins with simply refusing to abandon ourselves.

Where Does the Doubt Begin?

Self-doubt can emerge from a few key emotional injuries:

• Early rejection or emotional neglect

• Romantic heartbreak or betrayal

• Repeated failure or humiliation

• Toxic relationships where we were gaslit, minimized, or made to feel unlovable

• Comparison loops (especially online)

When someone we admired or trusted treated us like we were disposable, our nervous system went into overdrive. It started predicting pain before it could happen. That’s how self-doubt becomes a shield – one that overprotects us from the risk of showing up again.

But here’s the paradox: Self-doubt doesn’t just keep us safe. It keeps us small.

How to Start Fighting Back

The best way I’ve found to interrupt self-doubt is to externalize it.

A therapist once told me: “Name the voice in your head.” So now, when the inner critic shows up, I give it a name - Bob. Or Chad. Or sometimes just “that a**hole.” And then I imagine saying, “Thanks for your input, Bob. But you’re wrong today.”

Another tool? Create a counter-persona.
On The Psychology of Your 20s podcast, host Jemma Sbeg shared how she channels her bolder, more self-assured alter ego - Gemma with a G - whenever she’s about to spiral. “Gemma with a G wouldn’t let that slide,” she says. So she doesn’t.

Think: What would your most unbothered, radiant, self-loving self do? Channel her. Let her speak louder than the critic.

The last tool I recommend would be to seek out your support systems.

Because guess what? You are allowed to believe in yourself. Whether it’s a best friend, a sibling, a mentor, or a therapist—sometimes we need to be reminded that we are not reliable narrators when we’re deep in shame or self-doubt. A study published in Psychological Science found that people often show more wisdom and clarity when thinking about someone else’s problems than their own. It’s called “the Solomon’s Paradox.” So don’t be afraid to talk it out.

Because no matter how strong or self-aware you are, we all need someone to say: You’re being too hard on yourself. You’re doing better than you think.

And usually… they’re right.

Redefining Success: Let It Be Messy

In her speech, Biles also said:

“Go out there and write your own story - only one that you can tell.”

We’re not meant to be perfect. We’re meant to be in process.
Sometimes, just waking up and trying again is the bravest thing you can do.

Illustration by me.

So the next time self-doubt shows up wearing the voice of your ex, or your parent, or your worst fears - say hi. Thank it for trying to keep you safe. And then tell it to sit down. You have a life to build.

One only you can live.

Tune in on Tuesday for…

A special collab I’m very excited for! We’ll be talking wellness + what to wear to enhance different aspects of your wellness. Outfit core you won’t want to miss.

Until then <3 Delaney