on adulthood

i surveyed my readers on what it means to be an adult. here's what you shared...

We overthink adulthood the same way we overthink almost everything else: by imagining it comes with a scrolling checklist we can never quite complete.

Shouldn’t I have this figured out by now?

Shouldn’t I feel more confident, competent, certain?

Shouldn’t I have a five-year plan and a matching filing system?

For many of us, adulthood lives more in these quiet, internal spirals than it does in big external milestones. It’s less about what you’ve achieved and more about the psychological acrobatics of feeling like you should’ve achieved something by now. It’s no wonder “feeling like an adult” often feels like a moving target.

A few weeks ago, I asked readers to answer—without overthinking it (ha)—the question: What does it mean to be an adult?

It’s a question that’s felt especially significant as I recently turned 25 and found myself at the intersection of possibility, uncertainty, and (let’s be honest) a bit of mild existential dread. I surveyed a diverse group - ages ranging from 18 to 64 - and the responses were as layered, nuanced, and contradictory as adulthood itself.

What emerged wasn’t a clear definition, but a collective sense of something more fluid, more internal, and more compassionate than the rigid milestones many of us grew up associating with “grown-up-ness.”

Here’s what you all shared.

How You Defined Adulthood

From the voices in our community, five core themes emerged.

1. Responsibility & Self-Reliance

Adulthood means being the one who remembers the appointments, manages the finances, makes dinner, checks in on people, and still finds time to breathe and lead with kindness. It's the art of staying afloat - while remembering it’s okay to ask for help.

“Being an adult means having to take charge of the menial parts of your life. It doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help, but it is on you to recognize when you need help and on you to seek it out.”

“Being an adult means taking responsibility for your actions, working hard, being a good example for those that come after you by being kind.”

2. Psychological Maturity Over Age or Milestones

Adulthood isn’t about hitting a number, it’s about how you handle life. It’s emotional regulation, patience, humility, and seeing yourself with clarity instead of comparison.

“Honestly, I’ve realized I may never fully feel like an adult. I do adult things, and I just turned 25 but oftentimes I still feel like a kid.”

“As I’ve gotten older my thoughts have changed. Now I think it’s to not be self-centered about your own desires, needs, and wants and instead being balanced, less reactive, and thoughtful in your views and actions. It takes a while to be comfortable with who you are and that who you are is all you need to be.”

Contrary to past decades, being an adult today doesn’t hinge on traditional milestones like marriage, parenthood, or owning property. In fact, wider studies report fewer than 25% of people now consider those things essential to adult identity. Instead, over 80% of people define adulthood by psychological traits - like the ability to make independent choices, take responsibility for your actions, and look after yourself.

A 2021 Ipsos poll confirms this shift. Between 2017 and 2021, there was a noticeable drop in how many Americans saw traditional markers as essential to adulthood. Only 66% believed that paying one’s own bills signified being an adult (down from 81%), and just 42% thought living independently from parents was necessary (down from 59%). The trend points toward a broader understanding: that adulthood is less about fixed milestones and more about personal evolution.

In other words: adulthood has shifted from a set of social labels to a deeply personal and ongoing inner transformation.

This shift shows up not just in what you all said, but in how you said it. Adulthood, for many, isn’t about arriving. It’s about evolving.

3. A Dance Between Independence & Connection

We’re not just islands. Adulthood means balancing self-sufficiency with interdependence—holding space for others while learning how and when to ask for and receive support, too.

“To be able to take care of myself, my loved ones, my animals... and to also accept help, love, and support from others. To create, to give, to take care of my little piece of the world.”

4. Reparenting, Wonder & the Inner Child

It’s not all bills and back pain. For some, adulthood is also a return to playfulness, awe, and imagination. A conscious revisiting of childhood curiosity – with better boundaries.

“It’s a quest to grow deeper into my inner child in search of wonder and awe.”

“Doing the hard or boring shit you don’t want to do, but finding a way to accept and find joy in it.”

There’s something deeply adult about that kind of return. The conscious choice to carry responsibility and softness. To pay bills and look at the stars. To be accountable and playful.

5. Acceptance & Humor

The older folks in the group brought perspective and levity:

“Being an adult means you finally understand why your parents looked tired all the time. It’s juggling responsibility, unexpected back pain, and the deep joy of canceling plans.”

I say as I stare at the bags under my eyes…

CARES: The Psychological Dimensions of Adulthood

According to research conducted by Megan Wright and Sophie von Stumm out of the Department of Education at the University of York, adulthood can now be understood through five evolving domains of development - summed up in the acronym CARES:

• Cognitive Maturity: Confidence in your own knowledge and abilities.

• Sense of Aging: Realizing time is finite and choosing how to spend it.

• Self-Reliance: Taking responsibility and having agency in your life.

• Eudaemonia: Knowing yourself and living in alignment with your values.

• Social Convoy: Building and sustaining supportive, evolving relationships.

CARES framework

These are the true signposts of adulthood - not a wedding ring or a full-time job.

So… Who Really Feels Like an Adult?

Turns out, most of us don’t.

A massive U.K. study found that people don’t truly start to feel like adults until around age 25— the same age our brains finish developing. Even then, it’s a fuzzy feeling, not a formal status.

“Being an adult is muddling through. Doing the best you can under the circumstances and taking the wins when they come—and most of all trying not to take shit too seriously.”

Maybe the Greatest Secret of All?

Nobody feels like they’ve got it all figured out. Not your boss. Not your older cousin. Not the friend who just bought a house. We’re all just figuring it out.

And honestly, isn’t that kind of refreshing?

There’s no set timeline to follow, no rigid social goalposts, and no contract that says “Once you’ve made it to X age, you’re an adult and now you must do XYZ.”

Adulthood is dynamic. It’s less about knowing and more about trying. Less about “having it all together,” and more about choosing growth - even (and especially) when things are chaotic.

Under this definition, adulthood is about taking care of your body, your mind, your people. Asking for help when you need it. Taking responsibility for your choices—and your joy. Returning, again and again, to the wonder you cultivated when you were little. And doing so unabashedly.

More Resources on Adulthood:

• What Does it Mean to be an Adult? - A Qualitative Study of College Students’ Perceptions - Dr. Frederick G. Lopez, Stephanie Chervinko, Thad Strom, Janet Kinney, andMary Bradley

• Does Adulthood Steal Your Happiness? – The Zurkie Show

• Jay Shetty on Pursuing What You Love – Happier with Gretchen Rubin

• Dealing with Adults – Emma Chamberlain

• Morning Routine for Grown-Ups – Grown-Up Stuff: How to Adult

• SHITSHOW SATURDAY #148 – Humility in Healing – Adult Child

Want to Go Deeper?

I’m thinking of launching an interview series for the paid tier: Conversations with People Who Are “Just Figuring It Out.” That means everyone qualifies. We’ll talk uncertainty, real-time navigation, failure, resilience, softness, and success—on your own terms.

Have a thought, a quote, or a story of your own as you’re navigating adulthood? Drop it in the comments. I’d love to hear what this season of life looks like for you!

<3 Delaney